• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
  • What happened to the first 6 “ups”?
  • How can there be self-help groups?
  • A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
  • I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.
  • Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
  • Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.
  • It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
  • How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
  • A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.
  • I’m taking Lamaze classes. I’m not having a baby, I’m just having trouble breathing.
  • You are what you eat.
  • Cats rule. Dogs drool.
  • If mice is the plural of mouse, why isn’t the plural of spouse spice?
  • Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
  • The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be.
  • I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.
  • It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
  • If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
  • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
  • When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
  • Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
  • If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
  • When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
  • How do ‘Do Not Walk On Grass’ signs get there?
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  • If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
  • What do sheep count when they can’t get to sleep?
  • Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
  • They say when nature calls you should answer it, I say let the answering machine get it.
  • I doubt therefore I might be.
  • Carpe diem – Sieze the day; Carp in denim – There’s a fish in my pants!
  • If you’re not living life on the edge, your wasting space.
  • If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.
  • Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
  • Familiarity breeds children.
  • Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
  • If you’re not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
  • They can’t fire me, slaves have to be sold.
  • 1 out of 3 people can’t read this, you stupid schmoo.
  • A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right.
  • Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain.
  • Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4.
  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.
  • Give blood – play hockey.
  • Above all else: Sky.
  • Crime doesn’t pay, but the hours are good.
  • Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts.
  • The road to life is always under construction!!
  • I’m not schizophrenic. You only think we are.
  • The heart of a fool is in his mouth. But the mouth of a wise man is in his heart.
  • Only those who live dangerously can rejoice fully.
  • No one can make a brand new start but you can start now and make a brand new ending.
  • You can’t fall off the floor.
  • It’s easier to nail jelly to a tree than it is to find a good man!
  • Cats regard people as warmblooded furniture.
  • I find that a great way to deal with a crisis is to act like a deranged, headless chicken.
  • No matter where you are, there you are!
  • Give life your best, it will return the favour.
  • The force is like Duct Tape – it has a dark side, it has a light side, and it binds the universe together!
  • Reality is for people who can’t handle Star Trek.
  • I think the only reason I waste my breath on you is that being dead I don’t have any other use for it.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
  • Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for.
  • Taste is the enemy of creativity. – Pablo Picasso.
  • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
  • If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

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