• If you love something. . .set it free. . .if it doesn’t come back. . .hunt it down and kill it.
  • My door says, “Go ahead and knock, I’m already disturbed.”
  • The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
  • We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
  • Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
  • By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
  • Love at first sight is rather pointless without love at second sight, and third, and fourth.
  • Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we?
  • Ten out of ten people surveyed in the street are pedestrians.
  • The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day.
  • Quote from the Boss: I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
  • Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  • When we talk to God it’s called prayer. When God talks back it’s called schizophrenia.
  • Boys will be boys… and so will a lot of middle aged men!
  • Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay the more wrinkled you get.
  • Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
  • Cats’ motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
  • Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
  • Don’t talk about yourself so much… we’ll do that when you leave.
  • The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
  • The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
  • We’re having creative differences. I’m creative, you’re different.
  • I read your mind, and trust me, it was a short story…
  • If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
  • A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
  • Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. – I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
  • It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
  • I love being the hostess. It’s so easy to get home at the end of the night.
  • I don’t exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
  • Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
  • A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen.
  • I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed.
  • If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
  • How can something be ‘new and improved’? If it’s new what was it improving on?
  • When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
  • If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  • Why doesn’t DOS ever say: EXCELLENT command or filename?
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  • Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green?
  • If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
  • If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
  • Elvis is dead, Mozart is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling so great myself.
  • Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
  • If you’re not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
  • Live life to the fullest…think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert.
  • According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
  • The trouble with work is…it’s so daily.
  • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
  • Your mind is like a taco: the more you cram into it, the more that’s going to fall out.
  • I wish life had an UNDO function.
  • Feet Smell? Nose Run? Hey, you’re upside down!
  • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  • Why am I frowning? It takes 43 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and I need the exercise!
  • Love is never Lust, and Lust is never Love.
  • If a relationship is right, both people would want to make it right.
  • Speak your mind and speak your heart, just make sure you can tell them apart.

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