• The only real difference between me and everyone else is DNA. The rest is just politics.
  • People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to pick on rich men than biker gangs.
  • A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
  • The secret to life is that there is no secret.
  • Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
  • Dance like nobody’s watching…. We all need a laugh now and then.
  • This life is a test, only a test. If it had been real you would have received further intructions on where to go and what to do!
  • The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.
  • Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.
  • When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
  • The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
  • Your friend is the one who knows all about you and still likes you.
  • Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
  • Bad habits are like comfortable bed… easy to get into, but hard to get out of.
  • Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.
  • Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first.
  • It’s not that I don’t want to clean my room its just that I have this theory that everything is balanced just right and if I attempt to move anything the whole structure of the house will come down like a house of cards.
  • I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away.
  • Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
  • My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  • No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  • Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  • Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away – and barefoot.
  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.
  • He who knows little quickly tells it.-Italian Proverb
  • Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
  • In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  • Getting what they deserve doesn’t satisfy many people.
  • Some folks sit and think, others just sit.
  • If you are unkind, you are the wrong kind!
  • Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
  • You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but you can beat him repeatedly with a rolled up newspaper.
  • To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
  • A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
  • If there is no God, who pops up the next tissue in the Kleenex box?
  • If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
  • There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
  • The hardest part of skating is the ice.
  • I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy.
  • I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
  • I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
  • When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
  • Statisticians know that if you put a man’s head in a sauna and his feet in a deep freeze, he will feel pretty good-on the average.
  • What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
  • If it’s 0 degrees today, and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, …how cold will it be?
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  • Never try to teach a pig to sing; you’ll frustrate yourself and annoy the pig.
  • A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
  • Plagiarism saves time.
  • Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
  • Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?

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