• It is nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.
  • How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterwards – Spanish Proverb
  • It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
  • Most people do very efficiently what needs not be done at all.
  • I think therefore I am… I think.
  • Dejaja vu = “Have we met, Ms. Gabor?”
  • Dijon vu = “This mustard tastes familiar.”
  • Daysa vu = “This is the same storyline they did on that other soap opera.”
  • Deja moo = “I swear that’s the exact same cow we passed about six miles ago.”
  • I am in shape. Round is a shape.
  • Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
  • An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • I’m not only weird, I’m gifted too!
  • Some drink at the fountain of knowledge…others just gargle.
  • “The two most common elements in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison
  • My ambition is to live forever – so far, so good!
  • If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
  • When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum!
  • What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
  • Laugh and the world thinks you’re an idiot. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
  • Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
  • Always imitate the behavior of winners when you lose.
  • I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • Any man who knows all the answers most likely misunderstood the questions.
  • If it ain’t broke, break it! It’ll do you good.
  • If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  • Don’t put all your pigs in one basket. It’ll get really heavy.
  • Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
  • Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  • What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
  • “Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” – Kermit the Frog
  • If you cannot get what you like, why not try to like what you get?
  • Hard work never killed anybody…but why take chances?
  • I say no to drugs, They just don’t listen…
  • I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
  • I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.
  • There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t.
  • 5 out of 4 people don’t understand fractions.
  • Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
  • My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones.
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
  • Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way.
  • Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
  • Color… it’s just a pigment of your imagination.
  • I’ll never be satisfied until I’m too smart for my own good.
  • I never watch Sesame Street, I know most of that stuff.
  • Of all the things I’ve loved and lost, I miss my mind the most.
  • I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  • TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
  • A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
  • People who think they’re perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are.
  • Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  • All jobs are easy to the person who doesn’t have to do them.
  • In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
  • If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he’ll believe you. But if you tell him a parkbench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.
  • I’ve gotta be me – everyone else was already taken.

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