• If you think education is expensive, try ignorance!
  • If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
  • If things get better with age, I’m approaching magnificent!
  • Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon!
  • Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
  • You’re so open-minded, your brains fell out.
  • If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  • It is not the fall that kills you. it’s the sudden stop at the end.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.>
  • I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  • Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  • Don’t you think it’s a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  • I’ll listen to logic and reason when it comes out on cd.
  • Don’t follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
  • It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
  • Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
  • Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  • Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
  • Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
  • Avoid reality at all costs.
  • No job is so simple that is can’t be done wrong.
  • You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
  • Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
  • When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.
  • A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  • All general statements are false.
  • “I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.” – Albert Einstein
  • Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
  • It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room-temperature.
  • If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
  • How can there be self-help groups?
  • I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
  • I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
  • Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
  • Never forget that 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
  • TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
  • If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  • Sure, the truth hurts, but so does a machete.
  • Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
  • I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
  • There’s no danger so pressing that it couldn’t be worse.
  • Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  • If you can’t beat em’, arrange to have them beaten.
  • Don’t you hate it when life throws you a curveball and you forget to duck?
  • If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

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