“Are you trying to get all the achievements before the new one comes out?” Joe said.

I had played and won over fifty Mario Kart tracks in a row (while listening to the holy trinity that is Ava Max, Meghan Trainor and Dua Lipa).

Seven year old Jenni would have been in awe (though to be fair, seven year old Jenni’s Mario Kart did not have power steering, and everything is easier when you can drift).

“No, I’m just stress playing.”

I’m not normally the kind of person who binge watches/plays things, but anxiety is currently really kicking my ass and this seems to be one of the very few things that helps. (Somehow we had no bookings today, a rare event, although from the logs it looks like a spiritual coach and an astrophysicist went in to co-work, which is one hell of a combination that I’m sorry I missed).

I really struggled with anxiety in the early days of being self-employed, but over time I found I was beating it faster. After getting to the point it only lasted a few minutes, it pretty much disappeared altogether apart from random very rare short bouts.

This time is a whole different beast. I’ve been struggling to eat much for days now, and (TMI) what I can eat doesn’t always stay down. Usually my anxiety doesn’t have physical symptoms beyond feeling panicked or like I’m about to have a heart attack, so this is a new one in addition to the usual (silver lining is that I do still have some long covid weight to lose…). I have also completely lost my appetite and all interest in food, which I literally can’t remember ever happening before.

I should probably be more tired than I am, although I’m not sure that’s humanly possible. My sleep in itself is still good; I’ve always been a good sleeper and also I challenge anyone not to sleep well when they’re working from 7:30am – 1am at least six days a week (and no, that’s not the cause of the anxiety – I’ve been working long hours for years). I have been having slightly weird dreams the past couple of nights, but I think that’s just my brain’s attempt to protect me from reality.

At the moment my current plan is to just wait for it to go away and observing in the meantime. (If you’re new here, the short version is that I’m not anti-medication or therapy but they’re not right for me personally). Writing is usually a help, which is why I’m here right now. I’ve just eaten half a leftover Deliveroo’d Wagamama silken tofu gochujang rice bowl; thankfully my body seems a lot happier eating in the evening.

I also can’t sit still for long periods of time; according to my Fitbit I’ve done over 82,000 steps this week so far. It’s just anxious energy I think – pacing/walking is helping (or a symptom).

Normally I’m happy to sit and stare at my computer for hours; this week I’ve been catching myself trying to find physical things to do – a good week for that given we hosted one of the biggest events we’ve done so far. As a team, we also had a late Easter brunch together and completed two very different projects in addition to all the usual stuff, so it’s been busy and chaotic but productive.

And with two whole days working from home over the weekend thanks to self-service bookings, I should be feeling happy. It was fun to catch up with all the team in person, I still have episodes of Midnight Diner to watch, and surprise news that The Devil’s Plan (one of my all-time favourite shows) has a second season coming very soon should mean I’m super happy.

Instead, I’m feeling panicky and stressed. It’s not been a good month in general, everything has felt very overwhelming and while I’m so grateful it’s felt like (most) people I’ve spent any time with have been trying to work with me instead of against me (which is so new and revolutionary in some cases I’m struggling to actually believe it in some ways), it’s all been a lot. Too much and too fast and it’s just general panic I think. I don’t know how I feel about anything and I’m scared of getting things wrong and it’s all making me want to run away. So I guess while the anxiety is understandable, it’s making everything harder for me and clarity is, ironically, further away.

One of the reasons I’m sharing this here is because I feel like a lot of people only share the bad times after they’ve happened and they’ve got through them. Which is definitely useful because there’s an “end” to the story and probably some useful insights/lessons/tips. But sharing how rubbish you feel in the middle of it has some merits too I think, both in terms of being therapeutic and also as a reminder of what the trenches are like when you’re actually in them.

Anyway, if you’re reading this I hope you’re having a better April than I am, and hopefully I’ll get to stop fighting myself soon.