Any advice or opinions it contains may be super outdated, so believe at your own risk
1. Realise that a couple of your friends are coming to visit for the weekend. Google the weather. Decide to host BBQ.
2. Get distracted with a tangential discussion about whether isitrainingnow.com is a useful addition to humanity or not.
3. Think about mechanics of actually cooking. Decide to buy new BBQ. Spend hours researching and debating about the merits of a smoker vs not, tower vs not, grill capacity, and endless other features.
4. Decide on BBQ.
5. Price match BBQ.
6. Realise that cheapest option will not arrive in time. Decide to buy additional disposable BBQs instead.
7. Forget to buy additional disposable BBQs.
8. Take stock of potential BBQ food in freezer. End up writing a list of everything in freezer and then going out to eat from the stress of writing it all down.
9. Have lengthy argument about whether or not getting a bigger freezer would solve all problems or lead to the same overfilling problem.
10. Invite certain other friends to BBQ via complex matrix of who gets on with who, who doesn’t like who, and who is vegan.
11. Remember to buy disposable BBQs at the expense of forgetting to buy decking paint, so decking stays half painted.
12. Friends accept. Decide we have enough meat in freezer for BBQ based on numbers. Shopping trip to buy supplies ends up being trip to buy icing sugar and double cream.
13. More friends accept. Another shopping trip to panic buy sausages.
14. Start prepping food and dessert.
15. Leave for a client meeting. Arrive back to find all friends already gathered in house.
16. Friends arrive and ask if we have salmon and new potatoes.
17. Friends leave to buy salmon and new potatoes.
18. Put Smash Bros on as way of babysitting friends whilst sorting all the food. Friends happy to be babysat as involves giant sharks and beating each other up in a socially acceptable way.
19. Organise disposable BBQs to meet the following dietary requirements: normal people, gluten free, Jewish.
20. Find out one friend doesn’t like cucumber. Do separate batch of cucumber and make mental note to not put cucumber in the cucumber dip.
21. Realise have not checked whether burgers are gluten free. Discover that only half the burgers are gluten free. Re-organise BBQ strategy to accommodate this.
22. Start to set table. Find out that there is not enough cutlery or crockery for ten people, and that the only paper plates I have are Hello Kitty’s face.
23. Eventually locate some napkins, only to find that they are Halloween themed.
24. Search again, and finally find plain napkins.
25. Disposable BBQ fails to stay lit. Debate about how to reorganise dietary requirements to accommodate this. Friend leaves to get emergency back up disposable BBQ.
26. Sit around table. Food not yet ready, with the exception of four burgers. Chat.
27. Sky goes grey. Starts spitting. Discussion about how British it’s possible for a BBQ to get. Friend arrives with backup disposable BBQs, which stay lit on account of how they are from Sainsbury’s rather than 99p shop.
28. Eat food, hours later, in awkward stages. Listen to clamours of how good the cucumberless cucumber dip is (literally plain yoghurt and mint sauce). Suddenly remember vegetable skewers, too late, and they end up on the grill inside.
29. Ditch idea of BBQ chocolate fondue dessert and do it on the hob instead.
30. Sleep. (I wish).
31. Upload pictures to Facebook to depict how awesome BBQ was. Secretly decide that someone else will host next time.