I want to say that I feel like my old self again. But I don’t.

I feel a million times better.

My moods are stable and calm, I look forward to things with the childish delight I used to have, and I’m actually happy.

Happier than I can ever remember, actually. I still have the occasional short bout of anxiety, but each day gets better and better, and in a manageable way rather than a high > low kind of way. It’s definitely not days or weeks of feeling constantly depressed. At one point I was taking a herbal supplement from Holland & Barrett that is commonly used by ecstasy users after a comedown, and it was working – that’s how bad I felt.

What’s changed? Well, my body has finally adapted to my medication and it seems to have kicked in. All the side effects have just about worn off (fingers crossed), and although I’m generally more tired and my immune system has taken a hit, it’s completely worth it. However, I think the thing that’s made the bigger difference is ketosis.

I’ve always hated the idea of a low-carb diet, because I love nothing more than pizza and potatoes and ice cream…and thousands of other things. But I started looking at low calorie diets a while back and they are all low-carb. After trying one out for a while, the inevitable happened and I had a weekend binge on hot cross buns, pizza and various other things. I was irritable, had mood swings, felt depressed, and hated the way my body felt physically. So I started again with a different company and returning to a low-carb diet has made a massive difference. Yes, I could probably do it without meal replacement stuff, and that’s my long-term plan, but right now it’s nice to not have to think too much or feel like I’m missing something from my meals.

Back in ketosis, I’m much calmer and more relaxed. I think it’s probably because my blood sugar stays very stable rather than spiking, but who knows what other chemical things are going on inside my brain. Yes, it’s tough when people are always around me eating the foods I love, and when I’ve been baking every week, and going out and only being able to drink water, but it’s 100% worth it. I’ve always said I’d sell my soul to the devil to stop feeling so depressed and anxious, and really the sacrifices I’ve made are tiny in comparison to the returns – being happy with the life I have. Because at the end of the day, I’m incredibly lucky and I want to be able to enjoy the things I’ve worked so hard for.

Therapy has provided a little additional help. It’s still irregular in terms of actual sessions, but I’ve been doing a lot of reading around psychology, emotional abuse, moods etc. and it kickstarted the road to recovery for me. I’ve always felt there were certain jigsaw pieces I was missing, and it turns out there were. Even being made conscious of them was a huge weight off my shoulders and has helped me learn how to cope with situations that used to floor me. I’m still working on giving myself more respect and less of a hard time, and undoing the damage of many years, but I’ll get there.

I’m feeling much better about leaving chores undone, going out with friends, travelling, going to work/industry events and everything else. Which is fantastic timing because I have a lot on this month, and it can only get better as the daylight hours increase :) I’m not beating myself up about doing nothing, I’m spending a lot more time away from work, thinking about work a lot less, and I’m concentrating on me. I’m genuinely enjoying the things I do instead of using them as distractions to stop me feeling so bad. I frequently still stop myself and think, “Am I doing this because I want to or because someone else wants me to?” I can’t do everything and be everything to all people all the time. I’ve noticed that the slightly more selfish people in my life tend to be the more contented ones.

For once, my doctor’s advice – ‘it gets worse before it gets better – was spot on. It’s been a completely insane journey, but if it was necessary to get to where I am now then what’s done is done. Don’t get me wrong, I would still have changed a few things, but I’m concentrating on looking forwards now, not back. I hope to be blogging more frequently and going back to some web stuff, but if I don’t then it’s because I just don’t feel like it at that time. And that’s okay.