“How’s today looking for you?”

It was someone looking to schedule a meeting, but when I read it I probably visibly deflated. I just wanted to reply with, “Actually, today is looking pretty shit generally. I’m completely exhausted and stressed out, and right now I’d just like to be at home on my own in a hoodie watching Mad Men with the cats¹ and eating an Easter egg.”

It feels like spring. It’s typically the time of year where I want to fix all the things and do all the things and be happy that there’s more light every day. The knowledge that soon it will be trips to the lake and light floaty dresses and canalside BBQs and the warmth of the sun on bare skin. The rediscovered appreciation for the beautiful area I live in and the ability to take photos that look like this:

The relief that the hemisphere knows how to do spring and summer again (because even though I know it’s ridiculous, I’m always a little bit scared that it’ll forget).

At the moment, I’m veering between being really excited about life generally, and really not caring. At all. This is always the most dangerous thing for me just because I’m generally a person that cares far too much, and it takes a hell of a lot for me to stop caring even for a second.

I absolutely hate the victim complex. I’m used to the exact opposite: taking the blame and the guilt for everything and feeling like everything is my fault, just because that’s how I was raised. However, over the past few months I’ve got so much better that I have a lot more clarity around that. And now I realise that covering for people isn’t a good thing to do. And more importantly, I realise that it’s okay to be angry with people.²

I still believe that I’m entirely responsible for my feelings and actions. Even more so now the negative influences have all but disappeared and there is no brain-altering medication clouding my views and behaviour. I can make much healthier and happier decisions for myself – and now I consciously choose to.

The right decisions always seem to be the hardest. It’s easier to go for what’s comfortable, what’s instantly gratifying, what’s safe, what’s ‘good for now’. Kind of like choosing the chocolate bar instead of the carrot. And for me it requires retraining my brain and my emotions to think past that, and to think past that all the time. I’m hoping that eventually it will get easier and more natural and I’ll start doing it automatically.

For a few months now I’ve been very carefully selecting who I choose to spend my time with whenever possible. I’ve surrounded myself with people who are naturally happy, positive and encouraging, and more like how I want to be emotionally. I’ve been around people who not only say ‘Yes’, but say ‘I’m so EXCITED!’ I’ve also been focusing on mid-term goals and experiences; holidays, theatre, comedy, and making sure there’s always something to look forward to. I’m starting to reduce sugar and go back to healthier eating and exercise to stable my mood, too.

Combined, it’s made a huge difference; generally speaking I’ve been a lot calmer, anxiety is much less common (and even when it does hit it’s nowhere near as bad). There have been other stresses, but that kind of thing is always much more manageable for me when I know what it is and can explain it to someone else. If I can say it in a couple of sentences and know the other person understands, and can sympathise, it’s a lot easier. Knowing problems are “real” (justified) is easier. I don’t even want to think about how little sense that makes, but I guess it’s probably something to do with always feeling different and alone.³

Ultimately, I want to be this girl, and every day should be a step towards that: