At 18, I moved out of my parents’ house.
At 19, I had my own house.
At 21, I had a degree and a serious relationship.
At 23, I had my dream job.

At 25, I was trapped.

I had/have a lot of things people aspire towards. I hate to shit on anyone’s dreams, but getting everything you want doesn’t make you happy. It’s human nature to always want more than you’ve got, and if you don’t really have anything you want to aim for that much, then it can just lead to burnout, resentment, disappointment. It’s like stacking building blocks to create a castle. Once you’ve built it, the only thing you can really do is knock it down again.

I have never been of the ‘you won’t appreciate what you’ve got until it’s gone’ school. I appreciate everything every day, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel trapped. In my position, a lot of people would probably be tying up a few loose ends (driving licence, lose a few pounds, marriage, kids) and living happily ever after. I’d settle for just the ‘happily ever after’ part. I just don’t think I’ve ever learned to be happy in the long term. In my times of soul-searching, I have asked many, many people what the point is of being alive. So far the best answer has been, ‘Why does there have to be a point?’

It does make sense. It also scares the crap out of me, because almost everything I’ve done so far in my life has involved working to a clear and specific goal of some kind; I’m very motivated by aims, lists, and checking off achievements. This year, I have relaxed a lot more. I have accepted the fact that not everything has a clear answer and that my life doesn’t have to be a series of clear challenges and obvious achievements. It’s my life to do what I want with. I don’t need to feel guilty because I’ve spent an hour playing Wii U instead of spending an hour on my websites; that’s just ridiculous. I need to sit back for a bit and enjoy the things I have, and not punish myself for doing it or thinking ‘I should be doing X, Y or Z instead’. At the same time, I’m never going to be the person who spends their evenings generally being bored and watching random YouTube videos. I need more stimulation. I can’t take the role of observer for very long, I need to be actively creating stuff and learning.

I’ve learned a lot of stuff this year, about myself and about other people. Even though this year has largely consisted of disaster after disaster, I have coped. I have learned. I have accepted.

Things I’ve learned this year

Time is the most important resource
Unlike everything else in life, there’s no way of getting more of it; you can only borrow from other areas. Use it wisely, but more importantly, use it doing things that make you and other people happy.

Being self-critical is not the way forward
Giving yourself a hard time about your imperfections is really not worth it. By all means take steps to improve – but make them positive. Don’t beat yourself up about things that have already happened, but look forward to see how you can avoid making the same mistakes again.

Don’t map, project onto or guess other people’s feelings
I’m guilty of doing this all the time. The reality is that what I think people are thinking (especially of me) almost never matches up with what they’re actually thinking. Realising this has helped me reduce a lot of anxiety and self-criticism issues, simply by actually asking people what they think or giving them the opportunity to say. (The hard part is actually believing compliments when every fibre of my being is saying ‘That is completely wrong’, but that’s something I’m working towards).

Not everything has a clear path
I am a person who likes answers. I like to frame things and categorise things and understand things. Up until this year, everything in my life was, subconsciously, divided into three steps: 1) Determine what I want 2) Work towards it, making any necessary modifications along the way 3) Achieve it, or decide that it wasn’t an appropriate course of action and move on to something else.

This year has shown me that there isn’t always a clear path, especially when it comes to relationships. Previously my relationships have been relatively simple, but this year they got a whole lot more complicated. I have learned to let people get on with what they need to do. I’ve learned that I’ve grown into a person who’s actually pretty relaxed about stuff – perhaps even more laid back about conventions than most. I am not trying to control people or lead them to behave in specific ways as I would have done a few years ago. The best part is that I don’t feel out of control either.

Thinking ahead can be bad
Part of the ‘Jenni as achiever’ role involves me doing lots of thinking and planning ahead. I like to have the best things, but I over-research and over-plan because I like getting things right. This in and of itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but what is a bad thing is that when it gets negative and the ‘what ifs’ creep in, it starts to make me very anxious…mostly because I imagine every possible worst-case scenario.

So instead of being so extreme, I need to plan the things it makes sense to plan, but also let go of a lot of other things and just relax. I don’t need to be in control of everything that happens in my life, and it’s unrealistic to expect it will work out that way. My attitude is more important than the outcome.

I am a maximiser
Realising this has changed my perspective on decision making. There isn’t always a best option for every decision, no matter how much my brain tries to convince me otherwise.

I have reached a level of acceptance, and this can only be a good thing.