I think I might have said this before, but I usually have big gaps between blog entries when I’m particularly busy or feeling particularly low. This time it was the latter.

I’d felt myself getting dragged down further and further for a good couple of weeks – I can deal with short but intense meltdowns, but when they happen frequently or get really dragged out it becomes pretty much impossible to function. If I can catch it before that stage and gets lots of sleep and healthy food then I can be fine. Mostly I’ve been unsuccessful in doing that though, since I’m not entirely convinced there are always warning signs, and also because I spend so much time being frustrated about not being able to function like a normal human being, that I want to wring every single second out of the times I can cope. Which means I’m hyperproductive, I run on no sleep, and I crash and burn again. Yes, I can see the cycle. I’m still figuring out how to not operate like that.

The weekend was a massive culmination of all the shit. I was out of it. I couldn’t function. Basically I’ve got more and more involved with people who aren’t like me over the past six months (not unusual in and of itself, since I don’t think there’s anyone quite like me, and that’s definitely a good thing), but I spent rather a large part of the weekend doing things I shouldn’t have. Yesterday evening, when I finally started thinking more lucidly, I just thought, ‘Why did I do that? That’s not who I am, at all, and it’s definitely not who I want to be.’ It was the worst time I’ve ever had in my life, and I absolutely hated it.

But in a weird way, I needed it. That was the peak I think. It’s hard to explain exactly how bad I felt in so many different ways. I felt kind of guilty for doing it to myself, and I spent rather a lot of time posting passive-aggressive statuses on Facebook and licking my wounds. Although today got off to an incredibly shaky start – I had a pretty big breakdown before work, but managed to pick myself up thanks to Joe, and the gardeners appearing (let’s face it, if anything is going to not help being an emotional wreck, it’s paying the first insanely ridiculous payment for having the hedge thing removed from my garden), and it’s actually gone pretty well. Perversely I think I needed really bad shit to happen so I could be like, ‘Right, I need to pick myself up and turn this around, because I’m not being good to myself, so it’s not really that surprising that I feel so horrendous’.

Last night one of my friends came over – and brought cake – and that really began the whole ‘cheering up’ phase. It was nice to chat to someone without feeling any kind of pressure or anxiety, and just naturally have a good time. It got me through last night, but after this morning’s freak out, I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to cope with a whole day at work. Luckily, I have some fantastic people in my life, and I don’t really credit them enough. They are people who I think genuinely care about me (as opposed to making a token gesture to cheer me up because they feel responsible or guilty), and I am honestly grateful…although generally at a loss to understand how they can put up with me when *I* can’t put up with me.

Mmmm…cake

In terms of talking about depression on my blog – I was kind of thinking, well, it’s not really something I’ve ever mentioned up until last summer. It’s probably not something people want to read about, and I know how many of my friends have a personal rule that they don’t post anything negative on Facebook. But then I decided that it wasn’t the right choice for me to stay quiet. One of the problems and stigmas surrounding mental health, and one of the reasons why so many people just don’t understand it, is because people hide away. They get uncomfortable. They don’t want to talk about it, and they don’t want to hear about it. Writing has always been my most effective form of therapy, and I’m not forcing anyone to sit here and read it. If I haven’t written about it, it’s not because I feel guilt or shame or I don’t want people to read yet another whiny rant from a girl who has everything and still can’t enjoy it. It’s because I’m feeling too demotivated to type something out, especially something vaguely coherent (in my defence, I write a lot of blog entries for other projects and my day job, so it’s not like I’m entirely slacking).

I read about a project at the beginning of the year where you write down good stuff that happens on little bits of paper and keep them in a box or jar to remind yourself of all the good little things that happen. I was considering doing it, but now I’m glad I didn’t, because I have a lot of previously good memories that are now tied to negative stuff, and that’s not cool. But, I thought it would probably be quite helpful to make a short list of good stuff that’s cheered me up today:

• Aforementioned cake. Cake is good. Cake for breakfast is even better.
• Finding a great blog. I just found Carly’s blog today, and even though I’m generally not a huge fan of food-type blogs, I really enjoy her writing. Her entries are so happy and positive it’s infectious.
• New goals. I am giving up all the bad stuff. I know I keep saying it, but I really, really need to look after myself more and be healthier and cleaner. I think it will help me be happier in and of myself rather than relying on various different short-term crutches.
• Second Wednesday tomorrow. Time to get my geek on.
• The weather. As boring and cliche as it sounds, the sun always cheers me up and yesterday was sunny but snowy and incredibly cold. Not sure we’ve seen the last of the snow, but I’ve got my fingers crossed for sunshine, and so far, it’s been pretty good on that front.
• Seeing some long-lost friends this weekend. I’m going to a conference in London on Friday, and looking forward to seeing some of my southern friends whilst I’m down there. Slight thorn: I’m not looking forward to navigating London by myself at one of the busiest times of the week (since I’m terrible with directions and the thought of being on my own in an relatively unknown place is freaking me out at the moment), but I know it’ll be good once I’ve found the conference, and I’m really looking forward to meeting up with people and just getting out of Nottingham.
• Not having to fight. One of the most difficult parts about dealing with anxiety and depression is having to fight against yourself. It’s almost impossible to ever win. So on days like today, where I’ve managed, somehow, to turn it around and get on and be feeling quite normal (especially after such a long period of feeling like utter crap), I feel like I’m winning. I have to be careful that I don’t get too manic, but I definitely feel better about life and the universe generally at this moment :)

As a result, I’ve had an insanely productive day. In addition to a full day at work (plus an extra half hour to make up the time I took earlier in the week for a doctor’s appointment), I’ve also written three blog posts (totalling around 3,500 words), published a guest post, got back to some people about some dogs, moderated comments, deleted spam, updated plugins, replaced/deleted old plugins, chatted to several friends, cursed my VPS (more on that another time) and made tomorrow’s lunch. I have even tweeted. Madness!

I still kind of want to do some kind of workout, but we’ll see how that goes. I’m wary of causing the whole crash and burn thing, so I might just carry on reading my current book. I won’t beat myself up about it if I’m just too tired – there’s always tomorrow.