I’ve been quiet on the blogging front for a while, mostly because I’ve been depressed.

There’s depressed and then there’s depressed.

I’ve been the lowest I’ve ever been. And it feels like just about as low as it’s humanly possible to get. There have been highs (of the unsustainable, ridiculously ecstatic, extremely short-lived variety), but it’s been mostly lows. Whilst I normally drag myself out of bed and carry on as normal for a couple of days until it subsides, this time it was relentless. For weeks. It was completely unbearable.

By the end, I couldn’t get out of bed, even though mornings are traditionally my best time. I had a lot of fantasies about killing myself and harming myself, to the extent where I couldn’t even walk past a knife in a shop without stopping to fantasise. I was terrified of picking up knives at home just in case I couldn’t control myself around them. The weird part is that I’ve never harmed myself with a knife, and I know it would be completely impractical to kill myself with one. It just got to that stage of feeling like I couldn’t escape. I couldn’t even cope on a fundamental, basic level.

I started taking some herbal supplements, and for the short time I took them, they made me worse. I was in tears constantly, my brain was all foggy, I didn’t feel any better, and I could barely function. I couldn’t hold a conversation with anyone, and I had to concentrate really hard to even follow a complete sentence. By Saturday I’d totally given up on myself. I wasn’t eating or drinking except when forced. Each meal took an insanely long time to eat. It physically hurt to exist, and I was constantly exhausted. I blacked out a couple of times, and had what was probably a panic attack/borderline psychotic episode. My body had started shutting down along with my brain.

By Sunday I was making plans to escape. I’d stopped hiding myself away and being all feral, and I wanted out. I just could not cope with anything, at all. It didn’t really help that several of my friends were actually pretty cold and unsupportive about it (there were equally as many incredibly supportive ones, but I guess this kind of thing makes you realise who you can count on). Basically, none of my usual go-to things – like the gym, healthy food, healthy distractions and influences were working at all. I’d given up on ever being happy or even feeling like a human being again.

And then Joe happened to buy another herbal remedy called 5-HTP. I wasn’t convinced, but minutes after taking it, I turned into a completely different person.

I felt an instant sense of calm and happiness. It’s still very early days, but I feel like I can cope. More than that. I feel happy. It does feel like a drug-induced happiness, but I’m willing to take what I can get on that front. It doesn’t seem to have any side effects for me either; I’ve taken things that have made me feel calmer but not stopped the panic or stress, leading to frustrating and upsetting situations. I feel properly calm on this, my brain isn’t foggy, and I have a giant sense of relief and fundamental happiness.

I’m kind of pissed off that with all the supposed help from doctors, therapists etc., that no one had ever recommended these kinds of therapies to me before. It’s quite obvious that my problems are physiological, brain chemistry-related. I’ve gone through months of being passed between medical professionals, of being offered things they themselves weren’t convinced by, and everyone’s helplessness really.

It seems completely insane that through all my months (years) of struggling and the impact it’s had on my life, there was a little bottle on a shelf in a shop with the answer to my problems. Fingers crossed it stays that way, because I’ve never felt so stable.