The rest I had at the end of last year was incredible. I like being a busy person (and I get told to slow down a lot), but I just needed some time and space for my brain and body to rest.

Being on medication was the most frustrating thing in the world for me. I was constantly exhausted, and nothing ever shook how tired I felt. I’d go to bed tired, have a great sleep, and wake up just as tired. I went from being a girl who would sort the cats, do house chores, do eight and a half hours at work, go food shopping, go to the gym, and get back home and have dinner, to a girl who struggled to walk to work, work a normal day, and walk home.

I went from being a girl who barely had a sick day in her life to being a physical and emotional mess that had to struggle against everything even on a ‘good’ day, where four out of five days would have been sick days. For someone who couldn’t fight as hard as I could, for someone who didn’t have a job to try and hold down, for someone who could afford to live on statutory sick pay.

The absolute worst thing about it was that everyone expected me to carry on as I had before. Hell, I expected to carry on as I had before. I didn’t slow down enough. I hated how three quarters of the basic human emotions I’d felt before were non-existent. I hated not having control over my body and mind. I hated feeling sick all the time, not understanding people’s reactions to anything, and knowing that people who knew everything about my situation absolutely could not understand what was going on with me. I didn’t know who I was, and I spent all my time feeling entirely lost. I was so tired it took all my energy and concentration to follow someone’s sentence to the end, and I regularly failed at doing even that.

I lost all most comprehension of human emotion. I literally could not understand anyone being angry; it just totally confused me. If anyone made a mistake and I didn’t, I’d be genuinely shocked that I could still function better than them in one small way.

I lost several friends. They just expected far too much from me at that time, and they weren’t supportive in any way. My life was hard enough without them making it harder. I still have anxieties around one or two of those people, but I’ve accepted that they just couldn’t comprehend this Jenni, which is fair enough. I didn’t like her much either, although she was a lot calmer.

Having a clear head again has been amazing. I’ve been able to pick bits of my life back up that I really enjoyed. I’ve stepped back a bit from people, started concentrating more on my websites and things that make me happy, and planned a lot of things to look forward to. So far I’ve booked a symphony concert, theatre tickets for To Kill A Mockingbird, a trip to Paris, Dara O’Briain, and WordCamp. Nothing like jumping in headfirst, right? ;)

But I want to enjoy things. I want to have things to look forward to. Last year was amazing in many ways, from speaking at a conference I planned at Google to trying a two Michelin star restaurant for the first time. But it was too messy. There were too many lows. It’s been around a year now since the absolute lowest point of my life, and it’s onwards and upwards for me. I still need to slow down, but in a way where I appreciate and enjoy everything more, and where I don’t put too much pressure on myself.

One of the most important things for me is the creative expression outlet. I’m naturally a geek. My natural habitat is to be sitting somewhere with a computer, music on, totally lost in writing or designing or editing or thinking or generally creating. It makes me happy. It also amuses me that my fourteen year old self was, in many ways, surer of herself than the twenty eight year old version. She knew what she wanted and liked, and she spent her time doing those things.

In many ways, growing up and opening up my life opened up a hell of a lot of new challenges (l’enfer, c’est les autres). I wasn’t equipped to deal with any of them them because my childhood was so sheltered, and my parents were never keen on socialising. I got sidetracked. I got lost.

So this year is back to basics. It’s back to blogging for me, and it’s back to the fundamental aspects of the web, and it’s about having something that makes me happy and continues to make me happy. As always, it’s about trying to find that elusive balance, and not forgetting to make the journey there just as good.