Recently, I’ve been looking after myself a lot better than usual. Which is still probably a lot less than most people look after themselves, but it’s huge for me.

I’ve never been big on makeup or anything like that as a standard rule, but my general state of being was…unnoticeable. Like I obviously put no effort in but also I wasn’t going to get concerned looks and eyebrow raises. Being so busy while building up the business just meant I was sliding further and further into chaos. At times I’d be so busy I’d leave the house in the evening having not brushed my hair at all for days. I would hunch over my computer and spend all day like that. I was eating so much bad food that I couldn’t even face food. Water just didn’t happen, I was drinking Diet Coke 24/7.

I just didn’t really care and I wasn’t that interested. I didn’t even have time to do some of the things I actually wanted to do, let alone time to do things that I don’t. Most people would see that as a symptom of depression, but honestly if anything it’s the opposite for me – I’m so engrossed in what I’m doing and trying to do even more that I find it very difficult to pull myself away from it, and I’m grumpy when I’m forcibly pulled away by other people. Just ask Joe ;)

My body was telling me it wasn’t happy from months of living like this, and started rebelling even harder from me ignoring it with all these food intolerances that I’ve been picking up left, right and centre. Although interestingly, it’s kind of a “sort yourself out” kind of complaint as opposed to the “I’m stressed af” complaint of my nails constantly breaking and my hair falling out, which inevitably happened at the stress of Jobs Past.

But for some reason, things started changing a couple of weeks ago. I decided I was going to look after myself much better, but in a casual way rather than regimented. More of a gradual lifestyle change rather than a restrictive shift. We’ve been planning meals ahead of time, sitting at the table to eat instead of in front of the TV, and we’ve pretty much cut out snacking. I was being incredibly lazy and just living off endless snacks rather than having a proper meal, and then I’d eat a meal as well, even if I wasn’t hungry.

Now, instead of having crisps I’ll have a small handful of pistachios or cashews…and more often than not they’ll be a “starter” or a “dessert” or part of a cold lunch plate rather than a snack. It’s amazing how much difference it’s already made cutting down on the sugar; my moods are a lot more stable, and my baseline happiness is a lot better than it’s ever been. It also helps that it’s a quiet season in the business for drama. I’m not constantly in panic mode as I have been for the past months, and although I’m still on my guard, there isn’t as much of my time being sucked into cleaning up the mess left by nefarious people.

I’ve also been going to the gym more, going on our exercise bike, and just generally getting more than the 10,000 step goal I set myself. It’s so easy to slide into bad habits and just think, “well that’s that,” but focusing on building up the good ones has had mushrooming effects at the opposite end of the scale. The more exercise I do, the more I want to do. The more I eat better, the less my brain tells me to snack. I think it’s partly because of general reduction in stress and partly because I have the brain space to focus on making good choices.

Honestly I think it’s also helped that this is a season of my life where I’m putting less pressure on myself. Although the aim will probably always be “Get better” about every aspect, it’s a determined “get better.” It’s a hopeful “get better.” It’s not driven by anxiety and self-pressure and fear and feeling out of control.

There are so many things I want to do and places I want to get to and goals I have. I’ve never felt lost when it comes to business (…except when it comes to understanding international tax regulations…), and I can see everything I want to do unfolding and extending out clearly. I just need a few years or twenty people to help make it happen ;)

It amazes me every day how much of a difference it makes having hope and a purpose.

I think the best way to describe it is that I feel like I’ve been holding my breath underwater my whole life, and finally I’ve resurfaced and let it go.